Cartoon by Hugh
It’s Sunday morning and I’m watching CNN’s weekly program “State of the Union” and they are debating the David Letterman “scandal.”
I put scandal in quotes because I think this entire discussion is utterly ridiculous.
In case you’ve been living under a rock I am referring to the “sextortion” plot by CBS producer, Robert Joel “Joe” Halderman, who allegedly told David Letterman last month that he would disclose Letterman’s trysts with his staffers unless he paid him $2MM. Letterman acknowledged on his show one night a little more than a week ago that he’d had sexual relations with members of his staff, and that he had revealed this during grand jury testimony for a case involving attempted extortion.
Call me crazy but I just don’t get what the big deal is.
He was not married at the time.
So WHO CARES.
And, even if he were…how is that our business??
David Letterman’s issues with his wife are his issues with his wife.
Newsflash.
We all know that sex happens in the workplace. Men and women work together and men and women have sex.
Why do we have to have this huge moral argument over two adults having consensual sex?
Many of the critics speaking out on this say that Letterman was abusing his power and control.
That’s just silly.
Ridiculous, actually.
Those women knew he was the boss.
Duh.
They knew what they were doing.
Whatever their motivation was, I don’t know – and I don’t really care because it’s their problem to deal with and it was their choice to sleep with him.
Oh, and notice that there have been no allegations of sexual harassment and no claims of discrimination.
So, this brings us to the bigger issue: is it realistic to expect men and women to spend 8-12+ hours a day together and expect nothing to happen? No sex – no romance – no relationships?
I say it’s impossible, and let’s face it. Flirting and chemistry and sexual tension and love can be excellent drivers and motivators in the workplace.
Now, I am not advocating sleeping around with every man or woman in the office and I am not advocating trading sex for promotions or raises or anything else. By doing that you put your reputation as well as your self-worth – and your career – at risk.
I am saying, though, that we are human and expecting us to all work, toil, travel, entertain clients, etc., together all day every day and not develop various types of relationships with our co-workers is incredibly naive at best.
I met the man I almost married* [long story...not going there so don't ask] at work. My first job out of college. They sent us away to the company’s home office for six weeks for training and we met there and fell in love pretty much instantly.
When I got back from training I was terrified to tell my manager, but I did – and he was thrilled for me! His manager was happy for us too. Now, *ex-boyfriend and I worked in different offices on either sides of the state so it’s not like we had to deal with issues in the office…but if we’d needed to we could have handled it professionally and responsibly. And, for the six weeks that we were in training together all day every day, we did.
Oh, and coincidentally, it turned out that my manager at the time was having an affair with our operations manager. It was so weird. I adored them both and secretly hoped they would somehow get together. Turns out, they already were! And they were great together. They worked really well together. And nobody had any idea!
And yes, he was her boss at the time.
That was more than fifteen years ago and they are now married and still blissfully happy together.
Anyway, *ex-boyfriend and I didn’t get married after being together for three years [good decision -- and by far the most difficult decision I've ever made], and since then I have dated more than one co-worker. I dated one guy whom I worked with very closely pretty darn seriously for more than a year and no one knew.
GASP.
In fact, he and I worked really really well together. Seriously, we kicked a$%. We were a great team. I’m not sure if the chemistry between us drove great work or if the chemistry developed because we worked so well together or if any of it was even related at all.
My guess is that it probably was.
Look. People are people. We’re human. Our emotions and the complex relationships we naturally develop with people are human nature. It’s who we are.
To think we can put ourselves in silos and be sub-human in the workplace is insane.
And, why would we want to force people to do that? Do you really want a bunch of drones walking around your office? I’m thinking that would pretty much guarantee a lack of creativity and inspiration in the workplace, and what’s the point of that??
So, instead of getting all worked up about it and calling it scandalous and ostracizing people for being human, maybe we should talk about how to embrace it and handle it constructively.
Thoughts?
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Not entirely sure I agree with you. Sure the women were only too well aware that he was their boss. As a manager I think you have to be very careful if you want to have a relationship with a subordinate. I just think it’s unwise for a number of reasons. Even if he didn’t think that he had the right to do it, it’s hard to show that both parties entered in to it on the same terms. Unless it is undeniable love, I would suggest it is wise for the person in charge not to go there. Or if you are compelled to be with a person, to be open about it from the start, and maybe try to involve a separate manager.
True, there have not been any specific accusations of misconduct, but there was clearly an imbalance of power in these relationships, and a highly charged potential for harassment.
Dating co-workers is different from dating a supervisor/subordinate. When someone has power over someone else’s career and you mix that up with relationship issues, it’s as good as playing with matches around hay stacks. You’re bound to burn down the barn.
Yes – it happens all the time, and (as you note), sometimes it works out just fine. Does that make it a good idea? I don’t think so.
Great post and while it isn’t the PC/HR response – I completely agree with you. Our culture is very caught up with this issue – likely because it is something we don’t talk about in polite company – but the fact of the matter is what two adults do is up to them. If they can’t act professionally or it is impacting their work – then you have an issue. In most cases that I have seen (like your own) it doesn’t at all and the people can be grown up enough to handle it when in the business setting….
I generally agree with you on this, but with one reservation. I think workplace attractions are frequent, but it’s still a decision to act on it. It does not HAVE to happen.
There are two troublesome areas. First, when one is a supervisor of the other, as it implies an opportunity for abuse of authority shown either as favoritism or intimidation. And second, we don’t like it if either or both people involved are already married. What does that say about integrity? Other than those two cases, who cares? Just don’t let it interfere with the job.
The real problem comes in when people do know about it and then come to feel that they are part of a deception. No longer are people doing the best job they can, they have a distracting and unnecessary burden.
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