The top 10 worst tweets of all time

Some of you know how to tweet well and some of you clearly do not. And don’t even get me started on Facebook status updates. They are 99% horrible and those people are so far beyond help that I’m not even going to waste my time trying to help them.

Anyway apparently some of you need to know the difference between a good tweet and a bad one so here are some examples. TAKE NOTES.

Bad tweet:

Taking the dogs for a walk.

Good tweet:

in the ER getting my arm sewn back on after saving my dog from the jowls of a mountain lion.

Bad tweet:

at Publix doing my shopping for the week.

Good tweet:

today at Publix my kid threw a cantalaupe at some cranky old woman and it hit her in the head and now she is suing me does anyone know a good lawyer.

Bad tweet:

YAY FRIDAY!! cookout (will there be a moooooonbounce?) haha

Good tweet:

Wondering if “casual Friday” really includes capri stretch pants (you know, the tight ones that really skinny ppl should only wear…)

Bad tweet:

Updating Ubertwitter on my blackberry.

Good tweet:

The updated UberTwitter has a new menu item ‘Everyone Near You.’ kind of neat & stalkerish at the same time.

Bad tweet:

I’M ON A BOAT!

Good tweet:

uh oh. we gave the captain too many tequila shots and he just fell overboard and we are too drunk to find a life preserver in the dark SOS

Bad tweet:

hurry up summer

Good tweet:

I wish summer would get here. It’s still too cold to talk people into an Hawaiian Shirt Day.

Bad tweet:

taking the boys to play miniature golf.

Good tweet:

taking the boys to play miniature golf and I hope they don’t get us kicked out for yelling TERRORIST! at the owner like last time.

Bad tweet:

going to lunch

Good tweet:

trying to figure out how we can sneak out of the office for lunch without Evil Bridezilla Co-worker seeing us so we can formulate our plan to ANNIHILATE her

Bad tweet:

I am on a diet.

Good tweet:

Want to scream!! Weight loss work sucks!!! Nothing this week nothing!!!

Now do you get it??

Seriously. Please try to be remotely interesting or we will make you go back to Facebook where you can write your mind-numbingly bland status updates all day long and people won’t hate you because their updates are just as pathetic.