Please stop poking me. It’s rude.

If I were a hacker I would do something useful with my superpowers like DISABLE ALL QUIZZES ON FACEBOOK.

Better yet, I would infect them with a virus or a worm or some other crazy thing that actual hackers know how to do so that when someone took a Facebook quiz they would be spammed with other peoples’ quiz results.

Forever.

NEWSFLASH. Nobody cares what kind of muscle car you are.

Also nobody cares what your kid ate for breakfast or that you are on the couch right now making out with your boyfriend / cousin / cat.

And, NO. Nobody wants to play Mafia Wars and nobody wants you to send them a picture of a margarita. Furthermore they do not want you to send them a picture of a tiara or a kitten or a Frappuccino.

Nobody wants to be your “fan” and no one is interested in being “kidnapped.”

Everyone is tired of seeing 57 new pictures of your kid with food all over his face and your pet frog and your new Volvo! and your husband and your potbellied pig every single day. And if you make us look at your pictures of your boat or your garden or your kid’s first grade “graduation” one more time we are going to block you.

I MEAN IT.

We are also tired of you sending us “invitations” for “events” that you do not even have the right to invite people to like President Obama’s Inauguration and watching something on CNN “with you” and Earth Day.

And, please. For God’s sake please stop with the invitations for events in San Diego and Raleigh and Miami. I live in Atlanta and if you think I’m going to travel out of state for your happy hour you are obviously already drunk.

While we’re on the subject, please stop poking me. It’s rude. Didn’t your mother teach you anything? Please stop throwing staplers at me and “taking me to task for hogging the watercooler” and inviting me to pretend lunches and pictures of happy hours.

Do not even get me started on FARM TOWN.

Nobody wants to know 101 random things about you and we do not care what color you would be if you were a crayon. We really don’t care what you had for dinner last Wednesday, five places you have lived, what is in your purse, what countries you have visited, which theme parks you’ve been to, which unicorn you were in a past life, what your parents should have named you, what you miss about the 80’s, which Disney Princess you are, or that when you were six you wanted to be an astronaut.

And finally, no. NO, as a matter of fact, I do not want a digital image of a “collectible heart that grows as you send me more hearts” or a picture of a monkey so that I can “save the animals.”

And now, if you will excuse me,  I’d like to go and resume my game of Word Twist.