If you say “Twittering” one more time you’re fired. I MEAN IT.

Last month I wrote a commentary about a blog post by @TheBloggess, 25 things about twitter that are pissing me off.

Well I have a few of my own.

Cartoon by Hugh at gapingvoid.com

Twitter is a noun not a verb. If you say “I’m Twittering” one more time you’re fired. I MEAN IT. And just because Twitter is a noun it does not mean that you can say “I sent you a Twitter.” IT IS A TWEET. You send a Tweet on Twitter. Get it straight. When you update your status on Facebook do you say that you’re Facebooking? When you write on someone’s wall do you say “I sent you a Facebook?” It makes me want to mail you a letter and then call you and say “I just sent you a Post Office” so that I can fully illustrate just how stupid it sounds.

Also do not ask someone if they Twitter so they will think you’re one of the cool kids. You’re not and you sound  just as silly as when you said “I sent you a Twitter.” Please refer to the Twitter Dictionary because you obviously need a remedial class.

Stop stalking people on Twitter. If you have to reply to every single thing that someone says on Twitter they think you’re creepy and if they haven’t already blocked you they are going to right now. Stop it.

NO MORE AUTO-DMs. I am drop-dead serious. This means you. All of you. It is so offensive it should be illegal. If I were a hacker after I used my superpowers to disable all quizzes in Facebook I would use them to disable Auto-DMs in Twitter. Yes I realize that @TheBloggess and I have already said this time and again but apparently we have to repeat it until the end of time because YOU KEEP DOING IT.

Stop sending out meaningless neverending #FollowFriday lists. And stop telling us to follow people you’re not even following. Yes we are on to you.

And stop retweeting other peoples’ #FollowFriday lists. Are you really so lazy and unoriginal that you cannot even come up with your own.

Stop telling us what you are eating. And what you ordered at Starbucks. And what the score was in your kid’s Little League game. And which paw your cat is licking right now. 1-800-NOBODY-CARES.

“Get 100 new followers a day with http://www.tweeterfollow.com/” <— How about BE INTERESTING. Yes, you can actually gain followers this way. A novel idea!! I know!! I have applied for a patent. Oh and also nobody cares how many followers you have or that you “gained” in the last hour so shut up.

#Spymaster. Stop trying to ruin Twitter and go back to Facebook. RIGHT. NOW.

Oh.

And.

STOP FOLLOWING AND UNFOLLOWING US. We can see you doing that.

One word.

Tweepler.

Not only am I not going to follow you because I can tell how annoying you are without even looking at your Twitter stream I am going to block you.

You’re blocked.

Good luck with your childish antics and your spam. Maybe the six-year-olds on MySpace will like you.

Now I know you have some Twitter pet peeves. Everyone does! What are they?