The Devil really does wear Prada

A lot of people are blogging about their first jobs these days. I’m going to tell you about my worst. job. EVER.

Actually, the job itself was great. I loved what I was doing and I loved my clients and co-workers.

There was just one problem.

And IT WAS A BIG ONE.

Evil Boss Lady.

I know what you’re thinking.

Oh come on. We’ve all had bad bosses at one point or another.

No.

It’s wasn’t like that.

It was much, much worse.

Imagine working for Attila the Hun, Sybil, and Hitler all rolled up into one maniacal being.

If you’ve seen the movie The Devil Wears Prada you may have some idea of what I’m talking about.

In the movie Meryl Streep plays Miranda Priestly, editor-in-chief of Runway Magazine, and one reviewer describes her as a ”merciless, posh and cruel woman, making the experience [of working for her] a living hell.”

How accurate. 

And how dangerously close to my real-life experience working for Evil Boss Lady.

Oh and by the way. Please appreciate the fact that I am about to share this with you because if Evil Boss Lady finds it she will put a hit out on me.

Or she might just find me and kill me herself. 

Mark my words.

So if I disappear please call the police and tell them that Evil Boss Lady did it.

Thank you.

Ok, here is the story…the names have been changed to protect the innocent abused.

About a year after I’d left FirmCrazy I received news that my “replacement” had already quit. Just like me she was there less than a year when she could not take it anymore and for all the same reasons that I could not take it anymore – after a mere nine months.

I have never quit a job after nine months. And I have never quit without giving notice. But I was driven to a state of madness that reached new heights by Evil Boss Lady and she caused me to do several things that are completely out of character for me.

EVIL BOSS LADY HAS A LOT OF RULES.

On Day Two working at FirmCrazy I discovered that Evil Boss Lady and I had the same birthday. When I pointed this out to her she said “Well then I guess you will never get to take your birthday off because I always take mine off and you can’t be out of the office when I am.”

I could not be out of the office when Evil Boss Lady was out. For reasons I have yet to understand.

She was the president and owner of the company. She ran the company. I was the salesperson. I did not run the company. And contrary to what she would like for everyone to believe she did not sell. My clients did not call her when I was out. Her “clients” did not call me when she was out.

Oh but logic does not apply in the twisted medulla oblongata of Evil Boss Lady.

I had to fly to Chicago once a month and cover that territory in addition to The ATL. And the first few times I went Evil Boss Lady went with me. LUCKY ME. The first time I would pull out money to tip taxi drivers etc. and Evil Boss Lady said “Just let me get it. Lexi does my expense reports for me so it will be easier that way.”

Great! I thought.

The next time we went to Chicago I credulously assumed that the same logic still applied and I let Evil Boss Lady handle the tipping etc. and she said to me “I feel like you think I’m your date or something.”

Can you say bi-polar.

I started handling the tipping again.

8:30 to 5:30. Those were my hours. I was literally shackled to my desk from 8:30 to 5:30 every day. No working from home EVER and no “being late” or “leaving early.” On Day Three Evil Boss Lady said to me “Don’t call me at 8:35 and tell me you’re going to be late because you’re already late.”

Seriously.

This is Atlanta.

WE HAVE A LOT OF TRAFFIC.

And I had to call her before 8:30 am if I was going to be even one minute late. ONE. This is not even a slight exaggeration.

I know you are scratching your head right now and thinking but didn’t she say that she was in sales? And do salespeople normally have hours?? Yes, you are correct. I was in sales. And no salespeople normally do not have hours. The error you are making when you think that centers on the root of the word normally. There is nothing about Evil Boss Lady’s Theatre of Cruelty that is normal. It’s like working in a circus and the ringmaster is the wicked stepmother from Cinderella and she has multiple personalities and is tripping on acid. Not in a good way.

I haven’t had hours since I was a law clerk in college.

Yes at one point I wanted to go to law school. Totally another subject.

So anyway if I was sitting in the parking lot that GA400 normally is if I thought I might be even one or two minutes late I would have to call Evil Boss Lady and be all um yeah Evil Boss Lady I’m going to be one or two minutes late because a semi is jackknifed on GA400 and there is a fiery inferno and there is carnage everywhere and the road is closed and I can’t get by but don’t worry Evil Boss Lady because I will buy a helicopter to airlift me to the office by 8:30  am so that I can abide by your awesome rules.

And you can imagine how much I looked forward to that. Oh and if I had an appointment with a client downtown at 4:00 pm I had to drive all the way back to the office even if I got there at 5:27 pm and I had to sit there re-shackled to my desk until 5:30 pm when I could get back in the car and sit in rush hour traffic again to go home.

Meetings. I had to meet with Evil Boss Lady every single Monday morning to talk about what I had done the last five days and what I was going to do for the next five days including reviewing line-by-line my cold call list from last week and the list for the coming week complete with names, titles, phone numbers, whether I’d left a message, had a conversation, the details of the conversation, whether I’d gotten an appointment, the date and time of the appointment, and the name of the person’s first born child.

But this one hour meeting always turned in to at least two because since I was the very first person with the pleasure of meeting with Evil Boss Lady each Monday morning I had to first hear ALL about her weekend and how much she hates her mother and her husband and how incompetent he is and how much she hates her sister and her father and just how truly truly awesome Evil Boss Lady is.

Two hours of sheer joy to start off each and every week. I know you are jealous right now.

Cold calling. Evil Boss Lady mandated that I make some asinine number of cold calls every single week. Even the weeks that I was traveling to Chicago and running from meeting to meeting all day long, in and out of taxis, etc. Somehow I was supposed to get those calls in simultaneously whilst in back-to-back meetings and on an airplane. I finally just quit doing any cold calling altogether and I completely made up those stupid reports every week. The names, titles, phone numbers, the names of the firstborn children; everything. And I discussed the made-up reports and fake people with her every Monday morning with a straight face until I quit. This went on for months. It was pretty much my only source of pleasure.

If you ever did that I’d fire you. I had to hear this twenty-seven times a day. Any time someone would mention something that someone else did that was not in line with Evil Boss Lady’s awesome rules this is what she say would to me interspersed between “I own this company. I’m the boss. I can fire you any time I want to.”

These things varied depending on what personality she was wearing that day but they were usually things like If you ever came to work drunk I’d fire you (??) and if you ever didn’t come to my awesome dinner parties I’d fire you and if you ever wore diamonds bigger than my awesome diamonds I’d fire you and if you ever went to get doughnuts and didn’t bring me any I’d fire you.

Now if that is not a surefire way to inspire loyalty in your employees I do not know what is. I’m pretty sure she got her “leadership training” at the Institute of Hell.

The problem was that despite my best efforts she would never fire me.

Once I was even like 20 minutes late and I didn’t call her AND I walked in with breakfast and coffee from Chick Fil A and I did not buy any for her and she still didn’t fire me.

And one time I did not email those stupid fake reports to her by the 5:00 pm Friday deadline. I didn’t even email them to her until right before our 10:00 am meeting on Monday. Boy did that piss her off.

Still not fired.

Also one Friday that I just could not make myself go in to that office I sent her a cryptic email from my Blackberry saying I had to go to out of town for the weekend for a family emergency (I didn’t) and I did not return any of her calls or emails and I really really enjoyed my long weekend away from her.

I really did try and she just would not fire me.

Now that you know what some of Evil Boss Lady’s awesome rules are next I’m going to tell you about the day I quit – THE MOST AWESOME DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE – so stay tuned.

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