The Devil really does wear Prada, Part II

In The Devil really does wear Prada I shared some of Evil Boss Lady’s awesome rules. Working for her was kind of like in the movie Psycho only more rabid and scary.

Also if you are reading this then the hitman that Evil Boss Lady has surely hired by now to kill me must not have found me yet.

And if you know of anyone who can get me in to the FBI’s witness protection program please let me know. Thanks.

And now for your further enjoyment and reading entertainment following is a detailed timeline of the day that I quit.

Evil Boss Lady was conveniently out of town the week that I was to be paid my quarterly commissions. I did a whole lot of nothing that week although I did organize my office and computer meticulously so that Evil Boss Lady would be aware of future sales appointments already booked, etc. It was the least I could do since I was never going back. This resulted in Evil Boss Lady later telling the people who had not yet quit and were continuing to be abused that I was obviously suicidal but OH WELL.

It was a Friday morning.

6:00 am Woke up and immediately checked my bank account to be sure that the quarterly commission funds were there. I transferred the money to another account so that Evil Boss Lady could not try to reclaim it. I am not sure if this is possible but I was not about to take any chances. That money was going to fund the start-up expenses for my business as well as my next six months of living expenses. Yes the job paid well but really I was being paid to be Evil Boss Lady’s personal punching bag which no one should have to endure and also I produced a lot of revenue in those nine months so no matter how you look at it I earned every single penny.

8:45ish am Arrived at work and hung out with Stella all morning discussing how Evil Boss Lady was going to give birth to a cow once she found out that I was not coming back.

11:00 am Took box of my personal effects out to my car. Took all pictures but left all plants because it was too much of a pain to take them. This factoid will be important later.

11:45 am Took Evil Boss Lady’s admin Stella out for Mexican and margaritas to thank her in advance for the impending doom she would face on Monday when Evil Boss Lady came back in to the office after being out of town and found out that I’d quit.

1:30 pm Went home and reveled in my freedom. I think I called everyone I knew because everyone I knew was aware of The Plan and was summarily waiting to hear how it had gone. So far as smooth as glass.

This is where it gets good.

4:35 pm Evil Boss Lady calls Stella.

EBL: Have you seen Salesperson today?

Stella: Yeah.

EBL: Is she there now?

Stella: I don’t know.

EBL: What do you mean you don’t know?

Stella: Her office is at the other end of the building. I don’t know if she’s here right now. I can’t see her.

EBL: I need you to walk down to her office to see if she’s there. Call me back.

Stella, rolling eyes: Ok.

Hangs up.

Stella out loud to herself: OH SHIT. Here it comes!!!

Stella waits a few minutes to make it seem like she walked down to my office and back and then calls Evil Boss Lady.

Stella: Nope. She’s not in there.

EBL: What?

Stella: She is not in her office.

EBL: Is she in the bathroom?

Stella, now making things up not wanting to have to fake-walk-down-there again: Nope. I checked.

EBL:

EBL: What do you mean she’s not in there?

EBL:

EBL: What was she wearing today?

Stella: I don’t know. A dress.

EBL: A dress??

Stella: I don’t know what she was wearing. I wasn’t paying attention.

EBL: Did she have on a suit?

EBL: Was she dressed like she had an appointment?

Stella: I don’t know. I have to go.

Stella hangs up.

4:55 pm Evil Boss Lady calls Stella back.

EBL: I need you to go and check Salesperson’s Outlook on her computer to see if she has an appointment this afternoon.

Stella: Ok.

EBL: Call me back.

Stella: I know.

Stella hangs up and walks down to my office to be sure that I don’t have an appointment marked on my calendar for the afternoon. She was pretty certain that I didn’t since I had already left and I had obviously known that I was quitting that day for a couple of months but she wanted to be sure that her story was air-tight so that Evil Boss Lady did not have any idea that Stella knew anything about my impending departure and then subject her to additional torture methods like waterboarding etc.

4:58 pm I, still revelling in my freedom, notice that Evil Boss Lady has left a message on my cell phone. I don’t listen to it. At this time I am blissfully unaware of the madness that is unfolding.

5:00 pm Stella calls Evil Boss Lady back.

Stella: Nope. She doesn’t have any appointments on there.

EBL in a fit of rage: You mean she left EARLY?? She knows how I feel about that! I can’t believe she would do that. Oh, I cannot believe this. Are you sure she’s not there?? I cannot wait until Monday morning. You don’t even want to KNOW what I’m going to say to her.

Hangs up.

5:29 pm Evil Boss Lady calls Stella back.

EBL: Do you think she was in an accident?

Stella: What?

EBL: Salesperson. Maybe she was in an accident. Omigod. What if she’s in a hospital somewhere?? You need to start calling hospitals.

Stella: WHAT?

EBL: Do we have her emergency contact information?

Stella: WHAT??

EBL: I need you to find her emergency contact information. Call them and let them know that she’s missing and she may have been in an accident.

Stella: I am not calling her emergency contact.

EBL: I need you to call all of the local hospitals. Try the emergency rooms first.

Stella: I have to go now. It’s 5:30. I have somewhere I have to be.

Stella hangs up and goes home and immediately does several shots of Jagermeister while telling her husband what has transpired.

5:45 pm Both Stella’s home and cell phones start ringing off the hook alternatively. It is Evil Boss Lady. After about 20 rounds of the ringing Stella finally decides she should just answer it and get it over with. Better to have it all unfold while Evil Boss Lady is out of town and not there face-to-face in the office and also while under the influence of massive quantities of alcohol.

Stella: WHAT.

EBL, crying: I need you to do me a favor.

Stella: I’m really in a hurry. I have to be somewhere.

EBL: It will only take a minute.

Stella: What.

EBL, sobbing: I need you to go back and see if Salesperson’s pictures are in her office.

Stella: Why.

EBL, sobbing: Commissions were paid today. I think she might have quit.

Stella, rolling eyes: I’ll call you back in a few minutes.

Stella hangs up.

Stella does a few more shots before heading back to the FirmCrazy office knowing what she is in for but before going she calls me at home and leaves a message.

Stella, COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL: Salesperson, are you there? Salesperson, pick up. It’s me Stella. Salesperson, I really need to talk to you. Please pick up. Oh my God. Oh my God. Salesperson, are you there? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! Evil Boss Lady called me at home and she wants me to go back to the office and see if your pictures are there! Oh my God. Salesperson I don’t know what to do? Omigod. Salesperson. Omigod.

I hear the message and call Stella back.

Stella: Salesperson?? Omigod.

Me: Ok Stella. Breathe.

Stella, breathing:

Me: You’re going to have to go and do this so that Evil Boss Lady doesn’t figure out that you knew that I was quitting.

Stella, still breathing deeply: I know.

Me: You can do this. Call me when you’re done.

Stella: Ok.

Stella reluctantly goes back to FirmCrazy and walks in to my former office and calls Evil Boss Lady.

Stella: Well, her pictures are gone but her plants are still here.

EBL: Oh my God. All of them? All of her pictures are gone?

Stella: All of them.

EBL: Ok. I need you to go in to my office and see if she left anything.

Stella, knowing full well what I’d left in there: Ok, I have to go get the key. I’ll call you back.

Stella walks in to Evil Boss Lady’s office and picks up the package I’d slid under the door and calls Evil Boss Lady.

Stella: There’s an envelope.

EBL: I need you to open it and tell me what’s in there.

Stella, opening envelope and scanning my very short and to the point resignation letter: Yep. She quit.

EBL, sobbing: Oh my God. I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe she would do this to me! How could she do this to me?? And why? WHY would she do this to me?? I NEVER SAID ONE CROSS WORD TO HER.

EBL: I need you to read the letter to me.

Stella: Dear Evil Boss Lady, I am resigning from FirmCrazy, effective today…per the FirmCrazy employee handbook, page 8, “Our employment relationship is, and always will be, ‘at-will.’ This means that you or FirmCrazy may terminate our employment relationship any time, for any reason, with or without cause and with or without notice…”

EBL, her voice shaking: She quoted the handbook?

Stella, flippant: I guess so.

EBL, still sobbing: I can’t believe this. How could she do this to me? How could she do. this. to. me.

Stella: Evil Boss Lady you really need to get a hold of yourself.

Stella: People quit every day.

EBL, stilllll sobbing: I just can’t believe she would do this to me.What else is in there?

Stella: I don’t know. Some keys. And a check. I don’t know what that’s for. It says Blackberry.

EBL:

EBL:

Stella: Well is there anything else you need me to do because I’m really running late.

EBL, sobbing some more: No, that’s it.

Stella, chipper: Ok have a good weekend!

Hangs up.

6:22 pm Evil Boss Lady calls my cell phone and in a deceptively calm and manipulative tone leaves the following message:

Salesperson, it’s Evil Boss Lady. I understand that you quit today and I respect that. I’d just really like to have the chance to talk with you to see if there is anything that I did to make you want to leave, or what I can do in the future to be a better manager. Please give me a call at your convenience.

Um, can you imagine me calling Evil Boss Lady back and being all well Evil Boss Lady I am so glad you asked and as a matter of fact here is the list of the 167,942 things you did to me that made me decide to quit and I’m sure you will use this advice constructively to become more like Mother Theresa and less like Satan.

RIGHT.

I did not call her back. I did however call my attorney and make an appointment because Evil Boss Lady likes to sue people who quit.

Evil Boss Lady also sent me like a 10 page email a month later but we won’t get in to that. No, I did not respond to it. I kept it though. In case I need it for a trial or something. And yes you had better believe that I still have it.

Anyway in the message that Evil Boss Lady had left for me earlier in the day she said this, sounding rather irritated, which shed some light on what transpired that afternoon:

Salesperson it’s Evil Boss Lady. I left a message for you at the office over an hour ago and you haven’t called me back. Call me as soon as you get this message.

Oooh. That had done it. The old call me as soon as you get this message.

Another one of Evil Boss Lady’s awesome rules is that if she says call me when you can it means to call her whenever you have time. If she says call me when you get this message it means do not do anything else before calling me. Do not even breathe before you call me.

So that had gotten her all riled up.

I later found out that Stella - who used to say she went home for lunch to watch her soaps – her “stories” she called them - actually went home at lunch to smoke pot just so she could get through the rest of the day working for Evil Boss Lady.

I am not kidding. Evil Boss Lady once told Stella that she could put her head through the wall, and that she could beat her up. (!) And, Evil Boss Lady called Stella a freaking idiot and a retard on a regular basis.

Stella, I can assure you, is extremely competent and is neither an idiot or a retard. She also quit not long after I did.

So as you can imagine that experience scarred me for life.

And now you know why I am like this.