Cartoon by Hugh MacLeod
Twitter is good for expanding your vocabulary and learning new ways to spell words like “tmrw” and “srsly” and “UR.”
People on twitter like it when you say you hate stuff or think something is dumb because they hate it too but their mom said if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything. (My mom said that too but I have selective hearing.) (I hope she’s not reading this.) When you say you hate something they can just RT it and then be all well I didn’t say it I just retweeted it so they don’t make their moms mad.
You can pimp your blog / webinar / ebook by tricking people into clicking on the bit.ly link.
Twitter makes you feel better about your own paltry little problems because people tweet things like “boss called me in to meeting about ‘company goals’ but I’m pretty sure I’m getting fired” and “going to get daughter from kindergarten-suspended 4 making terrorist threats” and “ewwwww the lady at the Kroger deli just sneezed on my sandwich”
Twitter is good because you can find people and stalk them since people like to tweet things like “I’m at Starbucks on Ponce in Decatur!” or “bored stranded in ATL airport. anyone near gate B18?”
I love @spam. Specifically the little picture of the can of spam.
Twitter is kind of like having your own team of experts – free! You can ask questions about anything you want and you will always get at least twelve answers. Seriously they will even answer questions like “does anyone know how to get gum out of my kid’s ear DM me” and “Apple store. what color iPod case should I buy” Most of the time their answers are ok but sometimes they’re really not helpful at all like “how did your kid get gum in his ear?? I’m calling child services” and “the same color as your iPod” and “GET A LIFE”
Twitter makes you feel like you are always right because no matter what you say at least one person will agree with you and you can put the others on twittersnooze or do what I do and just block them.
I love #hashtags because you can spy on other peoples’ twitter conversations and they will actually make sense. Bonus: no one will even know how creepy you are.
Twitter is good because even if you have no friends and no life you can say you’re having a tweetup and people will go to it. Oh and you get extra points for being cool enough to “host” a tweetup.
On twitter you can “make new friends” without leaving your living room while wearing your ex-boyfriend’s boxers and you don’t even have to put on real clothes or shoes or makeup. Really you don’t even have to shower! For days!
On twitter there is always someone to talk to at 3:00 a.m. when you have insomnia. This is when most people discover twitter and set up their account, actually. And you get to see their first, really awesome tweets like “here I am! hi twitterers. hello is anybody here” and “trying to figure out this twitter thing” and “going to bed now.”
You can get on @ricksanchezcnn’s show by tweeting stuff like “she got what she deserves!!!!!” and “Rick the country is going to hell we R all gonna B standing in bread lines” and “you da’man Rick!!! that woman is disgusting and showed no class”
Twitter is awesome because you don’t have to use punctuation (except to make emoticons obviously) or capital letters or even spell correctly. So even if you are a complete idiot you can fit right in on twitter and no one will make fun of you because you can’t spell or you don’t know the proper use of semi-colons. Now that I think about it I’m not so sure this is actually a good thing because maybe twitter will make people think they can just drop out of school since spelling and grammar no longer matter and then we will be a nation of uneducated derelicts.
These are all the things I love about twitter. You can read what I hate don’t like about twitter here.
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